When I decided upon and got my Ophthal residency, I was justifiably elated. It was, in some ways, a dream come true.
One of the peculiar side effects of that however, was that I became very careful with my hands. Ophthal surgery, as you can imagine, is extremely delicate work. In cataract surgery for example, I’m making an incision in the cornea, which is about 5 mm thick. My margin of error, using my own hands and judging by my eye, is about a tenth of a millimetre in depth. Any deeper or shallower and the surgery gets complicated (which is a euphemism for effed up). I guess you can see why I was so particular about my hands.
I’m a borderline asthmatic, but I never took inhalational steroids. Any steroid can cause fine tremors in the fingers. My operative days were Monday and Tuesday, so I made it a point never to have a drink on Sundays, to avoid even the slightest chance of a hangover and unsteady hands. Most doctors, both more and less experienced than I found it funny. I was going overboard, I was told. But I persisted. I refused to take antihistamines, or any drug with sedative properties. Hell, I even refused to cut veggies in the kitchen to avoid the off chance that I might cut a finger (which sounds so ironic given what I do daily now)
And now? All that’s over. Finished. Done with. I can do what I want with my hands. Go crazy on steroids. Drink, and dance with a knife in my hands (won’t be a pretty sight though!). It just feels so odd, so alien. Indescribable, and that’s not a common happening with me…
hbhatnagar 
Salute sir, But it is very unfortunate that you have decided and already changed your profession.
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Posted by trablogger | 13/05/2015, 12:29 PMIt just wasn’t possible for me to continue practising the way I want to, without giving in to various pressures. It just wasn’t satisfying anymore. I’ll quit Saturday.
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 13/05/2015, 12:33 PMso are you going into medical transcription?
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Posted by trablogger | 13/05/2015, 12:35 PMNo I’m going into Pharmacovigilance. It’s a step above MPO. It essentially involves looking at drug related adverse events and giving judgment on which drug might have caused said event in the particular patient. Stuff like that
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 13/05/2015, 12:45 PMAlright. You said you are going for something not as great as what you are doing, and in this post there was the ‘IT’ part. So I thought its the MPO. Anyway this one flew above my head 😀
Good luck 🙂
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Posted by trablogger | 13/05/2015, 1:51 PMKabhi bhi kuch bhi kar paane ki aazaadi… Saara jahaan is ek ehsaas ko paane mein mubtala hai…
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Posted by spring04summer | 10/05/2015, 9:23 AMJo mubtala hain woh payenge kaise? 🙂
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 10/05/2015, 10:22 AMGood luck with the new venture 🙂 and please take care of yourself..I hope you find a way out of this soon.
Best
B
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Posted by barrira | 08/05/2015, 1:06 PMThank you for the wishes! I hope so too.
Regards,
H
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 08/05/2015, 1:11 PMSilly man! Of course I’m concerned. I’m sure many are. Sounds like your shrink needs a shrink – morals, tricky, who sets the standard? Listen, (or should I say read?) I know about being trapped in depression which it sounds like you are. But with the cutting it sounds almost like you are sort of folding in on yourself. My friends in AA used to encourage me to try to commit random acts of kindness to get myself feeling better. I challenge you to commit a random act of kindness today. No one can know about it but me, and whoever reads this blog or if you want I can give you my email address. What do you say?
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Posted by Kathryne Miller | 08/05/2015, 12:58 PMHe’s not my shrink anymore. He was the reason I self medicated for over an year,before coming to this one. I have been in depression and even had an aborted suicide attempt. As for kindness, I treat patients and try to see that poor patients have to spend as little as possible on meds. Personally, I may be the demon people around me say I am, but as a doctor I’ve done no intentional harm to any patient. Now that sounds like too much bragging, so I’ll shut up. Thanks for the light kick in the pants though, helps a bit. 🙂
My email id is Himanshubhatnagar@gmail.com. Drop in a line whenever you wish. 🙂
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 08/05/2015, 1:08 PMWow ! Such dedication to your vocation . I wouldn’t call it going overboard. You must be proud of the joys and relief your hands have provided to so many people. Kudos H ! I also wish you luck for the future and I do hope you use your hands for better things and not as cutting boards. YOU DESRVE TO TREAT YOURSELF BETTER. Your hands are blessed as is your head and heart. Very few can boast of such a perfect blend.
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Posted by priyankamoraes | 08/05/2015, 12:08 PMMy grandfather was a doctor, and his father before him. Medical ethics I learned from him, so I couldn’t compromise on that, except when my depression had gone out of control..
I hope I did well, I know I tried my best with the limited resources I had available. I’ve had patients feeling so bad that I’m leaving. I’ve been treating some of them for over six years. Thanks for the wishes.
And as for the last part, you know you’re one of the very, very few people who can bring a smile to my lips and a tear to my eye simultaneously. 🙂
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 08/05/2015, 12:12 PMBless you H . Of all the 350 people or so I have come across you are the only one I have exchanged long mails with . Need I say more ? Some people are just meant to connect.
Stay happy ….and count your blessings …cause from where I am looking at you ..you have a cap full of feathers and probably need a new cap !
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Posted by priyankamoraes | 08/05/2015, 3:12 PMThank yo so much for saying that. It means a lot, really. And I’m always an email away, if you need venting. 🙂
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 08/05/2015, 4:28 PMI know . Thank you .
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Posted by priyankamoraes | 08/05/2015, 4:44 PMWhy is it all finished? And quit with the cutting wouldja? There must be another way for you to express your inner pain. Do you paint? I know you write well. You’ve got to get away from the razor blade. Are you getting counseling my friend?
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Posted by Kathryne Miller | 08/05/2015, 11:14 AMI am resigning from my job and retiring from practice to take up a job in the Pharma IT sector. That was why the quasi nostalgic post. 🙂
Thanks for appreciating my writing, poetry and prose are what I do best. I’ve been cutting for a few months and right now it feels like one of the few things holding me together. I’m on my third shrink and she’s the best of the lot. I’ve mentioned elsewhere how my previous shrink wanted to slap me for being so immoral and telling me I deserved all that was happening to me. Anyway, that’s that. Thanks for your concern though, means a lot. 🙂
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 08/05/2015, 11:23 AM