I woke up today with an immense sinking feeling. I was bathed in sweat and I felt as if my whole world had been taken away from me. I couldn’t move a muscle, even opening my eyes made me feel worse; I wanted to crawl into myself and die. Everything seems so pointless and so hard. It’s not been this bad in some time. How will I get through the day? Even moving my finger to type this out requires immense effort…I’m crumbling again.
hbhatnagar
Not-so-random thoughts
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Sinking
Filed Under blog, blog about depression, Depression, episodes of depression, living with depression, sadness
About hbhatnagar
I need to fill this up with much better content than I had populated it with earlier. Why I write a blog maybe? I started blogging in 2009 or thereabouts. I was a newly turned atheist and wanted to converse with others of the same persuasion. We're not exactly a big population group in India! It didn't go very well and I sort of lost interest, posting a few things now and then. I got a lot more regular over the last few months and have been posting almost daily since February '15. There were many reasons why I gradually became more regular in posting, but one way or the other, here I am! So this blog has taken shape, being at different points in time my showcase, my comedy club, my art gallery, my book club, my therapist, my close friend, my innermost self....but always my little corner of the world. You are all welcome to visit and I hope you stay awhile! A few points about me because I don't want to lead anyone on(and trust me this does become an issue more often than I'd care to admit). I'm Indian, the brown-skinned variety; if race, ethnicity or skin colour is an issue, you don't have to get to know me any more than what you see on my blog. I'm 40, so if age is an issue, please be informed accordingly. I was a doctor, an ophthalmic surgeon for 10 years before I quit practice.Discussion
19 thoughts on “Sinking”
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hbhatnagar 
I’m reading this about 5 days after you posted it .. I was so sorry to hear how you were feeling. Thinking of you and hoping and praying that you feel better
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Posted by Julie@frogpondfarm | 22/01/2018, 1:34 PMThank you Julie, I am better now.
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 22/01/2018, 7:18 PMHang in there. Really am thinking of you.
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Posted by Mick Canning | 17/01/2018, 1:41 PMThanks Mick.
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 17/01/2018, 1:42 PMMaybe forget any plans or things you had to do for today and just do something you enjoy?
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Posted by Mick Canning | 17/01/2018, 1:43 PMI’d have loved to, but work is unavoidable.
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 17/01/2018, 1:46 PMMaybe not a bad thing, in a way.
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Posted by Mick Canning | 17/01/2018, 1:49 PMTrue, the diversion helped, for a while
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 17/01/2018, 1:56 PMThis does not sound like fun. I do hope that you are ok?
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Posted by mliae | 17/01/2018, 12:37 PMI’m stumbling along. Thanks for asking.
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 17/01/2018, 12:45 PMI am so sorry to hear. One foot in front of the other, my friend.
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Posted by mliae | 17/01/2018, 1:31 PMThat’s the plan… Thanks again.
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 17/01/2018, 1:35 PMThat sounds really painful, so sorry you are facing… I hope you will get through the day. Take care, Dr. Hb. We do care.
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Posted by Amy | 17/01/2018, 7:20 AMThank you for the kind words, Amy.
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 17/01/2018, 8:56 AMI’m glad you made that effort to reach out. Will it help if you think of it as a temporary state? It’s really hard to know how to help you but I have read and I care xx
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Posted by 10000hoursleft | 17/01/2018, 5:42 AMThanks. I’m trying my own version of mindfulness but it’s not working for the moment. Thank you for the kind words.
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 17/01/2018, 5:52 AMI’m so very sorry to hear that you’re going through this, having been there myself, many times. The fact that you have the strength to say something is tremendous. I can’t imagine how terrifying this must feel, to be trapped.
But you’ve found a way to crawl out. Mindfulness is not a cure-all, so don’t be disheartened if it is not working at the moment. As the owner of an analytical mind, the mindfulness technique is creating negative feedback loops, which are overwhelming you. Don’t think. Be like Hulk: Smash. Truly, you may need a physically cathartic experience so you don’t crash.
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Posted by Sabiscuit | 17/01/2018, 9:18 AMThank you Sabiscuit, I’m trying to put that mind to use, but a physical catharsis would do me good, if I could do it.
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Posted by hbhatnagar | 17/01/2018, 9:41 AMIf you could do it? You will find a way. I read somewhere that if you imagined really hard that you were doing something physically challenging, your muscles would fire in the same way. Good to see your response. I do hope your condition improves soon.
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Posted by Sabiscuit | 17/01/2018, 10:19 AM